A child's younger years are supposed to be filled with learning and growth. It should help them develop into well rounded adults. Not all children have great childhoods though. Some experience abuse and neglect while others have society putting pressure on them for being different. I was one of these children. I was always a heavy child. I had a stomach flap even at the age of 7. There was nothing different about me, I thought, until I started going to school. My family had to buy larger clothes than a child my age would need and as I got older, and kept putting on weight, the uniform company had to physically make my clothes for me. It even had to be done in high school. I also was one of few children who had to wear glasses. Mine were huge and thick so I stuck out even more. So, I truly never fit in anywhere no matter how hard I tried.
I've had several experiences that a normal child would never have to deal with, especially at a young age. The first time I knew I was truly different was when the coach in elementary school totally ignored me when I asked for an application to join the volleyball team. He gave me no reason but I knew the reason. I then started hated how I looked and how I was. At P.E. I also was always last to be chosen even when there were heavy children in the class besides me. No matter how good I was at a sport, still picked last. No one realizes how much that crushes a child's heart and image of themselves. The next thing had to be when my grandmother would tell my mom we needed certain length clothes to "cover it all up" like we were an embarrassment due to our size. Right before graduating 8th grade, we all had to be measured and weighed in front of everyone. Of course I dreaded that. I was one of the last to be called and I figured why. One student even made the joke to say, "Kristen, there wasn't even a number on the scale for you, was there?" Of course there wasn't. I was 14 years old and 325 lbs...Even at the graduation ceremony, instead of congratulating me on my accomplishments or awards, other students' parents were talking to my family about getting me enrolled at a gym or put on a diet. It's like, I'm still a kid. I have no idea how to take care of myself yet. They just assumed I chose to be how I was. I had to fight genetics, not even knowing what true exercise was or a healthy meal.
High school was even worse. I had lost my house in Katrina and cast aside as white trash. No one wanted to associate with me. To be alone was rough but I made due. Then, my mom passed away. People who had abandoned me due to the house were now re-friending me. That messes with your head bad. The worst experience there, though, had to be when I was called out of class into the guidance counselor's office. I'm thinking I had issues with my schedule or something. Man was I wrong....I walk in there and the counselor was one of the nuns who was also my new french teacher. So, it was very awkward. She starts off the conversation with have a seat and then drops the bomb: your weight is an issue. My heart sunk as I sat there. She starting asking about my eating habits, if I exercised and what I did while I was home. I'm sure no one else was called in there over that. They just knew my situation with the house and losing my mother at time. She told me to record ever ounce of food I ate, all the water I drank and any exercise I did that week. I had to report to her each week during a break time. I was so embarrassed and only told one person before this: my mom. Now, the world knows. All of these things doesn't help someone who has never seen themselves as anything but heavy or even ugly. I was never told I was beautiful or that I was worth something growing up. It just wasn't something that was said.
Now you are probably thinking, "What was the point of all this?" Well, there are several reasons for me writing this. I was never made fun of for my weight until I actually started losing to improve my health. No one ever called me fat or made fun of my size. They only saw it as a health concern and worried about my future. Little did they know how much of what they did say had hurt. Back to where I was, even after losing right over 200 pounds and getting close to a goal weight of 140, I was barely eating, passing out and not happy that clothes gave me shape. I was literally skin and bones. People thought I was less than a 100 pounds. I still saw myself as fat and focused so hard on that scale that it was killing just as much as being obese for so long had been. My mind was so messed up and it took me 2 years to finally come to a conclusion: I am not meant to be small and I am not like everyone else. I am wide set in my hips and shoulders. You can easily feel my hip bone, pelvis and upper body amongst other things. Yeah the scale shows me as obese for my age and height, but, I now know that I have a ton of muscle to my composition, little fat, and a lot of loose skin for being well over 300 pounds for almost 5 years of my life. That may not seem like long for many people, but, I had been 250 lbs since the 4th grade so my body had already been stretched out a ways. It was stretched out way more than it should have ever been stretched. That is something I have to live with and I am constantly working to lose the fat that is under the skin, tighten the skin and build muscle.
My goals for my body have changed since I started my journey 6 years ago come April 2016. I no longer have a number or size as a focus. Not even a goal body. I just want to accept myself as I am. I want to gain more confidence and keep bettering myself mentally. Physically I am better but my mind is just starting to catch up to my new body. A lot of people will not understand that either because most people gain weight when they're older due to stress, children, depression, etc. Obesity in children is a serious issue but you don't have to draw attention to it, want to cover it up, or out cast them. Coming from my own situation, that just makes it worse. We need healthier food choices available to everyone and more parks or recreational areas around the world. Without a good start or structure, a child will not know how to properly take care of themselves as they get older.
People look at me as I am and approach me about how intense I am with my workouts, how dedicated I am and ask how much weight I have lost because they notice a change in my body, sometimes even before I do. The thing is, no one knows where I had been, where I had gone and how I've chosen this as where I want to be for now. They just see a crazy strong girl who goes hard and is focused. They don't see the tortured soul who has never liked how she looks, who always sees herself as huge, and who fights food like it is the enemy. I had no friends so I ate and ate to fill the emotional gap. I ate my feelings and wanted my weight to kill me. Now, I know my weight won't be what kills me.
I still fight depression but I try to hide it. That doesn't always work. This blog has helped me to vent a lot of my feelings out and I love it. I try to always smile and or joke to bring joy to others or to brighten someone's day because I know how it feels to just feel stuck or upset. These children don't need to grow up feeling like I had to. It isn't worth the emotional pain it brings. Children should know they are loved, beautiful and perfect as they are. Health and weight should not define if a person is accepted by someone or not but that's how it was for me. Now, I choose my friends wisely and I forgive but never forget. I just know that I will never make fun or judge those people harshly like they did to me. I'm not that kind of person and never will be. So, call me what you want but don't take me for stupid. You will be surprised.
