I know this really doesn't fit under any of the titles that my blogs are categorized by, but, it's something I need to express.
To me, the difference between acceptance and tolerance is that there is very little that separate them besides how a person feels about the situation involved. Accepting something is like just living with it and saying that it can't be changed. Tolerating the same situation is like knowing it can be changed but just letting it go. You want to change or fix it but you don't feel like it. In other words, acceptance is a positive way to look at life and tolerating it is the negative view on it. No one is stuck in how their life is. You can take control of anything that is thrown at you. That isn't my focus of this post though. Not the difference in how people view their life, but how things in society are viewed. Also, how being different is a good thing no matter what society wants us to believe.
I knew early on in life that I was not like other people or children my age. To be aware of it kind of made it harder to get past. Like in one of my last posts, I talk about how being an overweight child and the treatment I received still affects me today. How we grow up does shape how we live the rest of our lives. This, also, isn't what I want to focus on. It's just how i was out-casted and not fully accepted. Even today, I am not fully accepted. I'm just different and I'm ok with that.
Ok, to my real meaning for this post. Their is so much hatred in the world and the main problem is people not accepting people for who they are. No matter how you look at an issue you choose to study, it always stems back to tolerance instead of acceptance. The major points or subject areas i want to cover are same sex marriage, interracial couples, transgender individuals, difference in religion, racial discrimination, and society's need to make everyone feel like there is only one such thing as a "norm".
Now, for Catholics and most religions, a marriage is supposed to be between a woman and a man. Marriage isn't just about the joining of these two people. There is so much more to marriage than a male and female becoming one person through a sacrament. If this was the case, why do most marriages, within these institutions, have to be both recognized by a church and the government? No one saves themselves for marriage like they used to and I am sure i'm one of the few still planning on doing that. Anyways, most people have sex with their chosen partner before they even consider marriage. Now how is this right if most religions preach to wait until marriage, and yet, when people of the same sex want to become married, people have a fit? For me, marriage is the joining of two individuals who have decided to spend the rest of theirs lives with that other person. To me, if someone loves another person enough to solely be with that one person, why can't they get married? If you take away the religious definition of marriage, then what is marriage? It is exactly that. A joining of two lovers as one to be together for the rest of their living lives. Straight people like throwing judgement at homosexual couples because they see it as wrong or as something that only straight people should get to have. How can a person deny someone else happiness? Welcome to the world....and this is why people need to change their view on everything. Honestly, how is a marriage between two people of the same sex going to affect your life? It really isn't going to. It's your opinions and tolerance that get in the way. People accept people for who they are and what they decide to do with their lives. Why can't everyone think this way? United States? Really? We are the farthest from being united...
This next subject is close to my heart because I have only had one boyfriend and he is black. I'm one of the whitest people you will see and he is quite dark. We do get looks when we go out together but i give people a look like what is your problem. I do not see colors, shades, or a difference from one person to the next. My boyfriend has stuck with me through the hardest times of my life, and yes we do fight, but, we work through it and grow closer. How is it wrong, once again, to be happy? It's not. So what if our children may be mixed and be more dark than light. They are going to be human just like the next person. For those who are like, "How will they decide what they are? Black or White?" News flash people, they're both!!! People hate other people being different from themselves. If we were all the same, the world would be a bland place to live. Our diversities help makes us who we are. Humanity isn't a color but a rainbow of different types of people. Get past the outside and learn who a person is and not just what they look like.
Now, this next subject is hard for a lot of people to accept. A transgender person goes their whole life sometimes in turmoil trying to be something they aren't. I feel for these people because they may have born a female but feel like they are a male stuck in that body. They may also look like a man but have a more feminine essence about them. Is this wrong either? No. It is how they were born. None of this is by choice. People also do not understand that. They think that being a homosexual or being transgender is something a person can help. They really can't and what does society want to do? Change them. The world will never fully accept the person sitting next to them or the next person they walk by. The first thing a human does is observe then they pass judgement. You may say that is how we "choose" who to "associate" with but why can't we be friends with everyone? It's our heads and minds that stop us, leaving our hearts behind.
Religion is also where a lot of the world's wars and conflicts originate from. Just because we do not share the same beliefs does not make us any less acceptable. How we were raised also effects how we view others. Religion is just an institution to divide humanity even more. Yes, we all want to believe in a higher power and an eternal life after death. I'm not too sure anymore that there is either anymore. I'm more focused on how much the world is losing itself in its own peril. The end is close, and well, I'm ready to fight any fight that i have to, I'm here for humankind and I am slowly realizing my purpose.
Race is also another way for others to discriminate anyone who doesn't look like them. So what if he's black, she's white, or he's hispanic? Maybe he's asian but she's japanese? Why do we feel the need to label each other? Can't we all just be humans? We aren't separated by our genetics or backgrounds unless we allow ourselves to be. Maybe that's our true problem: we want to be placed in a category to have a place in this world. Instead of doing that, why can't we just help each other out and accept our differences? that's way too easy for the population of this world to comprehend and do.
The last thing I want to talk about is our need to fit the "norm" that society decides is a "norm". Whether you are talking about a "physical" look or a "mental" normality, there truly is no such thing as a "norm". No one is perfect and everyone has a flaw of some kind. No one needs to be as skinny as a tent pole, needs to starve themselves to fit in or try to fit in clothes than no one should be wearing. Being skinny isn't always healthy. Also, with the mental part, I am one who has fought depression on my own for my whole life. If I have moments where I want to cry, it's hard to hold it back anymore. I let myself cry no matter where I am. A lot has to do with not feeling accepted due to my size, my various gifts, and being a loner. Not all of those things were my fault or choice. Being socially accepted may never happen for me or everyone, but, I know I am learning to accept myself. I just wish everyone didn't feel the need to have to be that "norm". I want people to feel free to express themselves may it be with their sexuality, their opinions or talents. Just don't allow yourself to fall into the pull of society because why do you want others to make a definition of what you should be instead of how you want to be? I finally realize that I can't be anything but myself. If people can't handle that, they can get going. I am through with also being cast aside because I am different. Accept the difference you have. They are what make you, you. They make you special! Own them and triumph or this cold, heartless, world we live in.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
Living Life Knowing Nothing But Being Overweight
A child's younger years are supposed to be filled with learning and growth. It should help them develop into well rounded adults. Not all children have great childhoods though. Some experience abuse and neglect while others have society putting pressure on them for being different. I was one of these children. I was always a heavy child. I had a stomach flap even at the age of 7. There was nothing different about me, I thought, until I started going to school. My family had to buy larger clothes than a child my age would need and as I got older, and kept putting on weight, the uniform company had to physically make my clothes for me. It even had to be done in high school. I also was one of few children who had to wear glasses. Mine were huge and thick so I stuck out even more. So, I truly never fit in anywhere no matter how hard I tried.
I've had several experiences that a normal child would never have to deal with, especially at a young age. The first time I knew I was truly different was when the coach in elementary school totally ignored me when I asked for an application to join the volleyball team. He gave me no reason but I knew the reason. I then started hated how I looked and how I was. At P.E. I also was always last to be chosen even when there were heavy children in the class besides me. No matter how good I was at a sport, still picked last. No one realizes how much that crushes a child's heart and image of themselves. The next thing had to be when my grandmother would tell my mom we needed certain length clothes to "cover it all up" like we were an embarrassment due to our size. Right before graduating 8th grade, we all had to be measured and weighed in front of everyone. Of course I dreaded that. I was one of the last to be called and I figured why. One student even made the joke to say, "Kristen, there wasn't even a number on the scale for you, was there?" Of course there wasn't. I was 14 years old and 325 lbs...Even at the graduation ceremony, instead of congratulating me on my accomplishments or awards, other students' parents were talking to my family about getting me enrolled at a gym or put on a diet. It's like, I'm still a kid. I have no idea how to take care of myself yet. They just assumed I chose to be how I was. I had to fight genetics, not even knowing what true exercise was or a healthy meal.
High school was even worse. I had lost my house in Katrina and cast aside as white trash. No one wanted to associate with me. To be alone was rough but I made due. Then, my mom passed away. People who had abandoned me due to the house were now re-friending me. That messes with your head bad. The worst experience there, though, had to be when I was called out of class into the guidance counselor's office. I'm thinking I had issues with my schedule or something. Man was I wrong....I walk in there and the counselor was one of the nuns who was also my new french teacher. So, it was very awkward. She starts off the conversation with have a seat and then drops the bomb: your weight is an issue. My heart sunk as I sat there. She starting asking about my eating habits, if I exercised and what I did while I was home. I'm sure no one else was called in there over that. They just knew my situation with the house and losing my mother at time. She told me to record ever ounce of food I ate, all the water I drank and any exercise I did that week. I had to report to her each week during a break time. I was so embarrassed and only told one person before this: my mom. Now, the world knows. All of these things doesn't help someone who has never seen themselves as anything but heavy or even ugly. I was never told I was beautiful or that I was worth something growing up. It just wasn't something that was said.
Now you are probably thinking, "What was the point of all this?" Well, there are several reasons for me writing this. I was never made fun of for my weight until I actually started losing to improve my health. No one ever called me fat or made fun of my size. They only saw it as a health concern and worried about my future. Little did they know how much of what they did say had hurt. Back to where I was, even after losing right over 200 pounds and getting close to a goal weight of 140, I was barely eating, passing out and not happy that clothes gave me shape. I was literally skin and bones. People thought I was less than a 100 pounds. I still saw myself as fat and focused so hard on that scale that it was killing just as much as being obese for so long had been. My mind was so messed up and it took me 2 years to finally come to a conclusion: I am not meant to be small and I am not like everyone else. I am wide set in my hips and shoulders. You can easily feel my hip bone, pelvis and upper body amongst other things. Yeah the scale shows me as obese for my age and height, but, I now know that I have a ton of muscle to my composition, little fat, and a lot of loose skin for being well over 300 pounds for almost 5 years of my life. That may not seem like long for many people, but, I had been 250 lbs since the 4th grade so my body had already been stretched out a ways. It was stretched out way more than it should have ever been stretched. That is something I have to live with and I am constantly working to lose the fat that is under the skin, tighten the skin and build muscle.
My goals for my body have changed since I started my journey 6 years ago come April 2016. I no longer have a number or size as a focus. Not even a goal body. I just want to accept myself as I am. I want to gain more confidence and keep bettering myself mentally. Physically I am better but my mind is just starting to catch up to my new body. A lot of people will not understand that either because most people gain weight when they're older due to stress, children, depression, etc. Obesity in children is a serious issue but you don't have to draw attention to it, want to cover it up, or out cast them. Coming from my own situation, that just makes it worse. We need healthier food choices available to everyone and more parks or recreational areas around the world. Without a good start or structure, a child will not know how to properly take care of themselves as they get older.
People look at me as I am and approach me about how intense I am with my workouts, how dedicated I am and ask how much weight I have lost because they notice a change in my body, sometimes even before I do. The thing is, no one knows where I had been, where I had gone and how I've chosen this as where I want to be for now. They just see a crazy strong girl who goes hard and is focused. They don't see the tortured soul who has never liked how she looks, who always sees herself as huge, and who fights food like it is the enemy. I had no friends so I ate and ate to fill the emotional gap. I ate my feelings and wanted my weight to kill me. Now, I know my weight won't be what kills me.
I still fight depression but I try to hide it. That doesn't always work. This blog has helped me to vent a lot of my feelings out and I love it. I try to always smile and or joke to bring joy to others or to brighten someone's day because I know how it feels to just feel stuck or upset. These children don't need to grow up feeling like I had to. It isn't worth the emotional pain it brings. Children should know they are loved, beautiful and perfect as they are. Health and weight should not define if a person is accepted by someone or not but that's how it was for me. Now, I choose my friends wisely and I forgive but never forget. I just know that I will never make fun or judge those people harshly like they did to me. I'm not that kind of person and never will be. So, call me what you want but don't take me for stupid. You will be surprised.
I've had several experiences that a normal child would never have to deal with, especially at a young age. The first time I knew I was truly different was when the coach in elementary school totally ignored me when I asked for an application to join the volleyball team. He gave me no reason but I knew the reason. I then started hated how I looked and how I was. At P.E. I also was always last to be chosen even when there were heavy children in the class besides me. No matter how good I was at a sport, still picked last. No one realizes how much that crushes a child's heart and image of themselves. The next thing had to be when my grandmother would tell my mom we needed certain length clothes to "cover it all up" like we were an embarrassment due to our size. Right before graduating 8th grade, we all had to be measured and weighed in front of everyone. Of course I dreaded that. I was one of the last to be called and I figured why. One student even made the joke to say, "Kristen, there wasn't even a number on the scale for you, was there?" Of course there wasn't. I was 14 years old and 325 lbs...Even at the graduation ceremony, instead of congratulating me on my accomplishments or awards, other students' parents were talking to my family about getting me enrolled at a gym or put on a diet. It's like, I'm still a kid. I have no idea how to take care of myself yet. They just assumed I chose to be how I was. I had to fight genetics, not even knowing what true exercise was or a healthy meal.
High school was even worse. I had lost my house in Katrina and cast aside as white trash. No one wanted to associate with me. To be alone was rough but I made due. Then, my mom passed away. People who had abandoned me due to the house were now re-friending me. That messes with your head bad. The worst experience there, though, had to be when I was called out of class into the guidance counselor's office. I'm thinking I had issues with my schedule or something. Man was I wrong....I walk in there and the counselor was one of the nuns who was also my new french teacher. So, it was very awkward. She starts off the conversation with have a seat and then drops the bomb: your weight is an issue. My heart sunk as I sat there. She starting asking about my eating habits, if I exercised and what I did while I was home. I'm sure no one else was called in there over that. They just knew my situation with the house and losing my mother at time. She told me to record ever ounce of food I ate, all the water I drank and any exercise I did that week. I had to report to her each week during a break time. I was so embarrassed and only told one person before this: my mom. Now, the world knows. All of these things doesn't help someone who has never seen themselves as anything but heavy or even ugly. I was never told I was beautiful or that I was worth something growing up. It just wasn't something that was said.
Now you are probably thinking, "What was the point of all this?" Well, there are several reasons for me writing this. I was never made fun of for my weight until I actually started losing to improve my health. No one ever called me fat or made fun of my size. They only saw it as a health concern and worried about my future. Little did they know how much of what they did say had hurt. Back to where I was, even after losing right over 200 pounds and getting close to a goal weight of 140, I was barely eating, passing out and not happy that clothes gave me shape. I was literally skin and bones. People thought I was less than a 100 pounds. I still saw myself as fat and focused so hard on that scale that it was killing just as much as being obese for so long had been. My mind was so messed up and it took me 2 years to finally come to a conclusion: I am not meant to be small and I am not like everyone else. I am wide set in my hips and shoulders. You can easily feel my hip bone, pelvis and upper body amongst other things. Yeah the scale shows me as obese for my age and height, but, I now know that I have a ton of muscle to my composition, little fat, and a lot of loose skin for being well over 300 pounds for almost 5 years of my life. That may not seem like long for many people, but, I had been 250 lbs since the 4th grade so my body had already been stretched out a ways. It was stretched out way more than it should have ever been stretched. That is something I have to live with and I am constantly working to lose the fat that is under the skin, tighten the skin and build muscle.
My goals for my body have changed since I started my journey 6 years ago come April 2016. I no longer have a number or size as a focus. Not even a goal body. I just want to accept myself as I am. I want to gain more confidence and keep bettering myself mentally. Physically I am better but my mind is just starting to catch up to my new body. A lot of people will not understand that either because most people gain weight when they're older due to stress, children, depression, etc. Obesity in children is a serious issue but you don't have to draw attention to it, want to cover it up, or out cast them. Coming from my own situation, that just makes it worse. We need healthier food choices available to everyone and more parks or recreational areas around the world. Without a good start or structure, a child will not know how to properly take care of themselves as they get older.
People look at me as I am and approach me about how intense I am with my workouts, how dedicated I am and ask how much weight I have lost because they notice a change in my body, sometimes even before I do. The thing is, no one knows where I had been, where I had gone and how I've chosen this as where I want to be for now. They just see a crazy strong girl who goes hard and is focused. They don't see the tortured soul who has never liked how she looks, who always sees herself as huge, and who fights food like it is the enemy. I had no friends so I ate and ate to fill the emotional gap. I ate my feelings and wanted my weight to kill me. Now, I know my weight won't be what kills me.
I still fight depression but I try to hide it. That doesn't always work. This blog has helped me to vent a lot of my feelings out and I love it. I try to always smile and or joke to bring joy to others or to brighten someone's day because I know how it feels to just feel stuck or upset. These children don't need to grow up feeling like I had to. It isn't worth the emotional pain it brings. Children should know they are loved, beautiful and perfect as they are. Health and weight should not define if a person is accepted by someone or not but that's how it was for me. Now, I choose my friends wisely and I forgive but never forget. I just know that I will never make fun or judge those people harshly like they did to me. I'm not that kind of person and never will be. So, call me what you want but don't take me for stupid. You will be surprised.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
You Are More Than Just A Number: My Realization
My whole life, I only knew myself as what is pictured on the left. I didn't love myself at all and didn't care if my emotional eating killed me or not. I just was disgusted. After losing my mom in 2006, I wanted to end it all so I could be with her. She was my best friend. Something told me that I had more to do here on earth and, as I've seen, I still have more to do. Never in a million years would I think Id lose the weight and then get as strong as I am now, inside and out.
People always want to know my secret, how much I used to weigh compared to now, or what made me make the decision to take back control of my life. All those things truly don't matter. I just did it and did it all naturally without pills, diet plans, a trainer, or even support until 3 years ago. You don't always need the support at first. You just need the will to want to be better. We all want to be something or look a certain way. How about we work on wanting to live a long, healthy life. Not just fitting into a swim suit for the summer and gaining the weight back by winter. Live life like it is your last day. One day, it may be.
People always want to know my secret, how much I used to weigh compared to now, or what made me make the decision to take back control of my life. All those things truly don't matter. I just did it and did it all naturally without pills, diet plans, a trainer, or even support until 3 years ago. You don't always need the support at first. You just need the will to want to be better. We all want to be something or look a certain way. How about we work on wanting to live a long, healthy life. Not just fitting into a swim suit for the summer and gaining the weight back by winter. Live life like it is your last day. One day, it may be. 
For me, I thought I was gonna die because of my weight. Now, that wont be the case. I knew that being way over 300 pounds wasn't a good thing, especially with being young. When my health started to deteriorate, I took action. Please don't wait until its too late. Take back your life and make that change. Who knows, I may have been 400 pounds at my heaviest. That's just a number.
All I know is, I cant lift heavier than most women and leg press more than what I used to weigh and what I weigh now. Not many people can say they can do that. I am not a winner, loser or fighter. I'm a #Survivor. What about you?
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